Thank you for taking the time to read my blog. I started thinking about writing a blog a while ago but never got around to it. I thought that honestly I wouldn’t have much to say and who would read it anyway. But lately the Lord has been talking a lot to me. If you know me you know that I’m normally quiet and reserved. You know the girl who sits in the back of the room or the front of the bus. The one that no one notices and doesn’t speak up. But the Lord has done a lot of changes in me over my to many years to admit of a life so far and I have found my voice. I write a lot. I thought that with this blog I could get some of the stories and thoughts that seem to be jumbled up in my head out. I think in rhyme. My writings and stories come out that way. Sometimes I can’t help but talk in rhyme as well. It drives my family crazy. So I am giving you fair warning.
It all started a few years back. I experienced rejection in a big way again in a relationship with a family member. That family was not only a close family member but also a born again believer.
Fun fact – My identity must be anchored to the truth of who God is and who He is to me. Only then can I find a stability beyond what my feelings will ever allow. (L.T.)
Time went by, I shook it off and convinced myself that it didn’t effect me. I have been in a personal pursuit to grow closer to God not to change the world or the people in it but because I want to be a person that He abides with. To be the one in the crowd that He wants to go home with and stay. And because of that, I found myself presented with a choice, blame myself for not being good enough, blame the person for the hurt they caused me, or blame God for letting it happen. I’m not proud to admit it but the first two choices where easy for me to do. The third I had a little more trouble with but eventually I did.
Fun fact – I can not fully embrace God while rejecting His ways.
Once I realized all of this, I went on a journey to fix myself. I studied books, I read the bible, I prayed, I asked for prayer, looking all around. I was angry, sad, confused, hurt and spiraling. I quieted myself inside and out. I waited like that until I was desperate for change. Desperate for breakthrough, answers, and understanding straight from God. I said to God, “Why is this happening? Why did all of this happen?” “Look at me, I’m hurting.” The rejection I had experienced was effecting me in every part of my life, the hurt, anger, and fear, had become the lens I saw my world through. What I really, meant to say when I asked God those questions was “Why have you let this happen to me?” But I was to much of a coward to let those words come out of my mouth but my heart said them for me.
Fun Fact – God Hears the Heart Cry
“Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine. When you pass through waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through the fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you.” Isa. 43: 1&2
God answered me and said, “I didn’t create Robots.” I was like “What?” How does that help” God reminded me of a few things that happened in the Bible when man was given a choice. For example: Adam and Eve (Eve deceived & Adam not – choice made); Abraham & Isaac (obey & trust or not – choice made); Peter (stand up for what you believe or deny Him a few times – choice made) Story after story through out the Bible I found examples that supported what God meant by saying “I did not create robots.” God explained it to me like this. “Every person is presented with choices that effect something weather good or bad, right or wrong, life or death.” Then I saw a man standing on the edge of a snow covered hill. On one side of him was the devil encouraging him to kick the round stone off the side, on the other side of him stood the Lord showing him the result of the stone going off the side and encouraging him to pick it up and hand it to Him. God showed me what happens when man chooses to listen to the devil, the man kicked the stone, it rolled over the side and grew bigger and bigger as it descended then it crashed into a city located at the bottom and crushed it. He said to me the rock symbolized effected of the mans choice. Of course, if the man would have just picked up the rock and given it to God things would have turned out different for the city. Its not a profound story but it worked for me. I repented for believing the lie that it was God’s fault. I choose to forgive and I let Jesus heal my pain. Is my relationship with the family member restored. No, because relationships are a two part thing. I manage me, they manage themselves. I have used my personal example to share this with you. But it applies to several situations that we all face.
Church folks believing lies that cause them to live in shadows of rejection. example: (I’ve been singing in this choir for years, why did the new person get the solo? What’s wrong with me?)
Family members dwelling in the past. example: (Yeah, I know what they are doing now but I remember when they said/or did this or that…..)
Unsaved everyday people looking for the good in life and only finding the bad. example: (I know that girl at work is a Christian but she talks and acts the same as everyone else so where’s the hope for me….)
Fun fact – God gave man choice – God didn’t make robots
I call heaven and earth to witness this day against you that I have set before you life and death, the blessings and the curses; therefore choose life, that you and your descendants may live. Deuteronomy 30:19
I believe that freedom is the right to choose good or bad. I believe that this means that God wants to be surrounded by family members that want to be with Him not forced or programed robots. Life offers us blessings and curses, good and evil, and its our responsibility to choose what we want in our lives. God wants the best for us. He encourages us to choose life, blessings, and good. His promises are for all who believe.
Fun fact – God has given each and every one of us a choice. Because He wants a people who want Him as much as He wants them.
So I am going into this new year free from my past, embracing my current journey, and looking forward to my future.
Happy New Year 2018
My mind is racing here and there. Jumbled up and going everywhere and nowhere. Just like the roots of an old tree. Anticipating the future. Reliving the past. My thoughts are going nowhere fast.
But the one thing that keeps me steady. Anchored in my soul. Is that even though I look at my roots and I can’t tell where they go. I know where they began.
I’m staying rooted and grounded in my hope. In my peace. In my everything.
In my Jesus.
I woke up this morning, husband gone to work, teenagers still sleeping, and looked around my house. It’s the beginning of the week the storm of the weekend left the house a mess. Every room touched by the lived in mess monster. I started thinking. What am I really…. a mom, a wife, a daughter, a friend, … those where easy to define right. I mean we do those everyday then I thought,… a christian, a believer, a daughter of the most high, … those for me where not so easily defined. So I got my cup of tea, not feeling like I wanted to eat food yet, and decided to have breakfast at the altar.
Forgive me Lord for daily going through life forgetting who you are and because of who you are what I am. Thank you God that I am:
A child of God: For the spirit which I have received is not a spirit of slavery to put me once more in bondage to fear, but I have recieved the spirit of adoption the spirit producing sonship in the bliss of which I cry Abba Father! The Spirit Himself thus testifies together with my own spirit, assuring me that I am a child of God. (romans 8: 15&16)
I am forgiven: The Father has delivered and drawn me to Himself out of the control and the dominion of darkness and has transferred me into the kingdom of the Son of His Love. In whom I have my redemption through His blood, which means the forgiveness of my sins. (Colossians 1: 13&14)
Saved by grace through faith: For it is by free grace God’s unmerited favor that I am saved and delivered from judgement and made a partaker of Christ’s salvation through my faith. And this salvation is not of myself of my own doing it came not through my own striving, but it is a gift of God. (Ephesians 2:8)
I am justified: Therefore since I am justified, acquitted, declared righteous and given a right standing with God through faith, let me grasp the fact that I have a peace of reconciliation to hold and to enjoy peace with God through my Lord Jesus Christ the Messiah the Anointed One. (romans 5:1)
I am sanctified: And such some of you were once but I was washed clean, purified by a complete atonement for sin and made free from the guilt of sin and I am justified pronounced righteous, by trusting in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit of our God. (1 Corinthians 6:11)
I have been made a new creature: Therefore if any person is engrafted in Christ the Messiah he is a new creation, a new creature altogether, the old previous moral and spiritual condition has pass away. Behold the fresh and new has come. (2 Corinthians 5:17)
I get to be a partaker of His divine nature: By means of these He (God) has bestowed on me His precious and exceedingly great promises, so that through them I may escape by flight the moral decay, rottenness, and corruption that is in the world because of covetousness, lust, and greed, and become sharers partakers of the divine nature. (2 Peter 1:14)
I have been redeemed from the curse of the Law: Christ purchased my freedom redeeming me from the curse of the Law and its condemnation by Himself becoming a curse for me, for it is written in the scriptures cursed is everyone who hangs on a tree. (Galatian 3:13)
I am delivered from the powers of darkness: The Father has delivered and drawn me to Himself out of the control and the dominion of darkness and has transferred me into the kingdom of the Son of His Love. (Colossians 1:13)
I am kept in safety where ever I go: For God will give His angels especial charge over me to accompany and defend and preserve me in all my ways of obedience and service. (psalms 91:11)
Then I thought to myself, “I have all this going on because of who God has made me. I wonder what else He has done for me.” So I kept looking and I found:
I can live in divine health: Jesus personally bore my sins in His own body on the tree as an altar and offered Himself on it, that I might die cease to exist to sin and live to righteousness. By His wounds I have been healed. (1 Peter 2:24)
Daily I can exercise my authority over the enemy: Behold! I (God) have given you authority and power to trample upon serpents and scorpions, and physical and mental strength and ability over all the power that the enemy possesses and nothing shall in any way harm you. ( Luke 10:19)
Daily I am overcoming the devil: Little children you are of God you belong to Him and have already defeated and overcome them the agents of the antichrist because He who lives in you is greater mightier the he who is in the world. (1 John 4:4)
Because of all of this I develop the courage to not be moved by what I see: Since we consider and look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen; for the things that are visible are temporal brief and fleeting but the things that are invisible are deathless and everlasting. (2 Corinthians 4:18)
I am living my life by faith: For we walk by faith we regulate our lives and conduct ourselves by our conviction or belief respecting man’s relationship to God and divine things with trust and holy fervor thus we walk not by sight or appearance. (2 Corinthians 5:7)
I mind starts racing thinking of all the things in life that I am facing, thoughts of death and despair, guilt and grief, distrust and unbelief, I take control: For the weapons of my warfare are not physical weapons of flesh and blood, but they are mighty before God for the overthrow and destruction of strongholds. In as much as, I refute arguments and theories, and reasonings, and every proud and lofty thing that sets itself up against the true knowledge of God; and leas every thought and purpose away captive into the obedience of Christ the Messiah the Anointed One. (2 Corinthians 10:4&5)
He has made me a save harbor: You are the light of the world, a city set on a hill can not be hidden. (Matthew 5:14)
God has made a promise to me: You will guard and keep in perfect and constant peace whose mind both is inclination and its character is stayed on You, because I commit myself to You, lean on You, and hope confidently in You. So I trust in the Lord, I commit myself to Him, I lean on Him, I hope confidently in Him forever, for the Lord God is an everlasting Rock, the Rock of Ages. (Isaiah 26:3&4)
I want to daily renew my mind. To be honest, I have no idea how to do that then I found this: I appeal to you therefore brethren and bed of you in view of all the mercies of God, to make a decisive dedication of your bodies presenting all your members and faculties as a living sacrifice holy devoted consecrated and well pleasing to God, this is your reasonable rational intelligent service and spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, this age, fashioned after and adapted to its external superficial customs, but be transformed, changed, by the entire renewal of your mind by its new ideas and its new attitude. So that you my prove for yourselves what is good and acceptable and perfect in His sight for you. (romans 12:1&2)
I am the righteousness of God in Christ: For my sake He made Christ virtually to be sin Who knew no sin, so that in and through Him I might become endued with, viewed as being in, and an example of, the righteousness of God, what ought to be approved and acceptable and in right relationship with Him, by His goodness. (2 Corinthians 5:21)
I want to be an imitator of Jesus: Therefore be imitators of God, copy Him, and follow His example; as well-beloved children imitate their father. (Ephesians 5:1)
Everyday I am making a decision to seek first the Kingdom of God and all His righteousness: But seek aim at and strive after first of all His Kingdom and His righteousness His way of doing and being right, and then all these things taken together will be given you besides. (Matthew 6:33)
My children will follow after the Lord because of the promise: As for me, this is My covenant or league with them, says the Lord; My spirit, Who is upon you and Who writes the Law of God inwardly on the heart, and My words which I have put in your mouth, shall not depart out of your mouth, or out of the mouths of your children, or out of the mouths of your children’s children, says the Lord from henceforth and forever. (Isaiah 59:21)
I will greatly rejoice in the Lord my soul will exult in my God. For He has clothed me with garments of salvation, He has covered me with His robe of righteousness, as a bridegroom decks himself with a garland and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels. For as surely as the earth brings forth its shoots and as a garden causes what is sown in it to spring forth, so surely the Lord God will cause rightness and justice and praise to spring forth before all the nations through the self-fulfilling power of His word. (Isaiah 61:10&11)
Then I got to the point where I said to myself, why? Let the wicked forsake his way and the unrighteous man his thoughts; and let him return to the Lord and He will have love, pity, and mercy for him, and to our God, for He will multiply to him His abundant pardon. For my thoughts are not your thoughts neither are your ways my ways says the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts. For as the rain and snow come down from the heavens and return not there again but water the earth and make it bring forth and sprout that it may give seed to the sower and bread to the eater so shall God’s word be that goes forth our of your mouth; it shall not return void but it shall accomplish that which God pleases and purposes and it shall prosper in the thing for which it was sent. For I will go out with joy and be led forth with peace; the mountains and the hills shall break forth into singing and all the trees of the field shall clap their hands. Instead of the thorn shall come up the cypress tree, and instead of the brier shall come up the myrtle tree and it shall be to the Lord for a name of renown for an everlasting sign and memorial which shall not be cut off.
I finished my tea sat back, took a breath and started by day.
For years I have been struggling with health issues. It’s a long story that I am going to shorten so that you get the full impact of how good God is to me. I was diagnosed with some stupid disease that causes a hormone imbalance that in turn caused my girl parts to not function right, I gained weight when I should have been losing it, and that caused back and knee problems. So got the surgery, just in time, because my test numbers were one number away from full on cancer. Speed up here I am a year later and feeling much better. I have even begun to lose weight. So a few months ago I decided I would get a part-time job to help bring in some money. I love working. I love making money. I love to be busy doing stuff and have been limited by my health so needless to say I was excited. I worked for a few weeks and hurt myself. I had to quit. I was upset beyond more than I have ever been before. I felt like I was in a never-ending spiral of not good enough and to make matters worse they messed up my paychecks. So not only was I not able to work but I didn’t even get paid. I was angry, than I cried, then angry, and then I just gave up. I talked to the managers. Nothing happened. Speed up again, the last couple of weeks I have been doing a kind of self inventory with God. We revisited those feelings, or what I like to call it now, a mindset of defeat. I had in my mind to expect the worst because I wasn’t good enough. I repented because God had made me good enough. He has qualified me. “And giving joyful thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of his holy people in the kingdom of light.” Colossians 1:12 In believing that I told God I would like my money. And today in the mail I received a paycheck with the total amount owed. God is so good to me.
I hear the rain gently tapping slightly rapping on the window pane. My pillow is soft. Blankets are warm. I keep my eyes closed just listening to the storm. I am dreading the day. I know I should pray but what would I say.
As far as I can see I have messed things up pretty bad. My kids are sick. My spouse is mad. I have to go to work and my boss is a jerk. I turn on my side and look at the clock. Closing my eyes I drift to a dream.
It’s dark all around me but I can still see. I hear the wind blowing but I can’t feel it. I am standing in a clearing surrounded by thick forest trees. I think to myself there has to be something lighting up this place so I start to look around and the moon is nowhere to be found. Maybe I just missed it when I came in so I turned around. I almost fell to the ground.
The light was so bright I covered my eyes with my hand. I squinted to try to see who that was looking back at me. That’s when it happen.
I stepped toward Him. He took two steps toward me. I sped up and started to walk faster to Him. Not caring how I looked, where I had been, or what I had done I only wanted Him. He ran to me. Took me in His arms and held me tight.
I heard Him say when I woke up and started my day.
Dance with me. Turn around and find me waiting. Don’t worry with the formal praying. Take a step toward me. I will take two toward you. Decide that I am what you want and I will be right there with you.
I’m in the mist of dead and forgotten grass. Just lost in a sea of dirt and ruin. But I’m stretching out my stems. I’m reaching toward the sun. I’m spreading out my leaves. With every breath of the wind shadows dances all around me creating a symphony of hope and love in my heart. My mind is made up, I have set my eyes on the Son, that’s the direction I’m going.
I was minding my own business just going along looking for bugs. Just another bird in the crowd. Days were neither special or routine, they just happened. Shake off the morning dew, scratch the ground, swim for awhile in the farmers pond, join the crowd looking for bugs in the grass, simple enough day. Then I looked up.
I remember it was hot outside that day. The sticky kind of hot that makes the back of your neck wet and your shoes squeak after wearing them to long. That’s why I begged my mom to let me wear my white easter sandals so my toes would stay cold. I loved the church it was always cold and quiet. I couldn’t wait to get to my class. The ginger snaps, tropical punch koolaid, and singing “This Little Light of Mine,” where my favorite things to do. That day things felt different. He was there in the church that day. The man from my dreams. Standing by the pastor. The pastor was talking about how it was important to ask Jesus to come into your heart, say you were sorry for your sin, and then you had to come up there where he was so he could pray. I understood what was being said I had heard it before. Talked to my mom about it and just the week before my brother went up there to talk to the pastor. He called my name. I remember I was getting tired of sitting there waiting, so I started swinging my feet and my sandal fell off. I jumped down off the bench to get it and that’s when I heard Him. I stepped out into the aisle. I could smell lemon furniture polish, musty old books, and feel the rough red carper on my toes. There He was at the end of the asile on one knee with His hand stretched out to me. We had a friendship already. I knew Him. His name was Jesus. I loved Him already. I don’t know when I started loving Him I just always had. He said to me, Heidi come down here to let everyone know you are mine. So that’s what I did on that day during Vacation Bible School at Baulman Road Baptist Church in 1976. I was 5 years old. I met the man named Jesus, with those bright stormy fire blue eyes on one knee with His hand out stretched, at the front of the church and prayed with the pastor to let everyone know that Jesus was mine.